I love you now like I loved you then...

Almost 14 days to go until the wedding and I am STOKED. This last month and a half has been so ridiculously crazy. I'm surprised I actually had time to sleep. But I am so so happy. (I was kind of sad earlier this month, though. I had become spontaneously inspired one day but couldn't write anything down because of all the stuff I had to keep myself focused on doing.)

At any rate, Seth came out here for five days over Thanksgiving and officially proposed. It was so cute. He said he had been nervous, but I can't figure out why. I mean, he already knew what I was going to say. We were watching a movie, and it was obvious that he wasn't paying any attention to it. Then he randomly looked at me and said, "Um, can we pause this?" I was like, "Uh, whatever?" He then proceeded to give this speech about how much he loved me and how much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. It was adorable. The proposal itself wasn't anything spectacularly romantic, but that's okay. I think the fact that the big, bad, virtually unintimidated Seth was nervous because of me. It makes me happy.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is my LAST day working on that stupid paper route. (HOORAY!!!)

I ran to you like water. I threw my body in...

Urrgh. It's snowing. 

For those of you who don't know, I absolutely detest snow. Luckily for me, Seth and I will be living in California after we get married in December. (Woot!) No more snow for me!

On a sadder note, I was craving hot chocolate about half an hour ago. Alas, we don't have any. I gave the last few packets we had to a friend of mine who is now no longer speaking to me. *sigh* Such a waste. I mean, it had marshmallows in it and everything.

So, on my friend Beth's blog, she "tagged" me on a certain post and (to quote her) I "absolutely HAVE to do it." So.. here I go.

Six unimportant things about me:

1. I am a compulsive nail-biter. I don't have to be nervous or stressed out or bored. I just do it because my hands are there. I think I may just like to chew on things.

2. I have a queen-sized bed, and I'm 4'11. When I sleep, I sprawl out so much that I take up the entire thing. It's kind of amazing.

3. I can play Scott Joplin's "Maple Leaf Rag", C.P.E. Bach's "Solfeggio", and Jon Schmidt's "Waterfall". (Just to name a few.) However, I can't read music worth beans. I learned to play them all by ear.

4. I scored a 15 in math on my ACT's, but a 31 in English.

5. I do not like the color orange.

6. I hit the backspace key exactly 37 times while writing this list. 

The end.

I'm surprised that you've never been told before that you're lovely, and you're perfect, and that somebody wants you...

Hooray! It's November! That means only 24 more days until Seth is here! (Insert happy action here.)

So, lately I've been feeling oddly inspired. Like, write-a-song kind of inspiration. But not a song with lyrics. Just music. I've decided that songs with lyrics are somewhat of a slap in the face as far as portraying a message goes, while songs with solely melody are more inventive. It can mean something different to any one person who happens to hear it. I want to write a song that makes people sit back, close their eyes and drift off into their own nostalgia. Someday...

Preparations for the wedding are coming along nicely. Seth's older sister, Mary, has taken over the California reception since his mother tends to procrastinate and apparently hadn't gotten much done. (His mom is the coolest. I love her to pieces.) I, on the other hand, am finishing up tying the invitation ribbon whatever, and will then start to re-work my guest list one more time. My parents are trying to weasel in Mr. Svenningsen, and I really don't want him there. He was only nice to me to get me to stay at SMSU. After that, he's been nothing but a... erm.... "butt" hole. They can invite anyone else, really. Just not him. I think that's fair, considering it's my wedding. 

At any rate, I think this post is pretty much done. Pardon my lack of exciting news. I've been SO tired lately, and I hope I can get to sleep kind of early tonight so I can at least get something done tomorrow. 

Get wasted on love. Get wasted on life...

Ah. Hopefully this is the beginning of some regular posting from me. Probably not, but it's nice to think so. 

Actually, this post will probably be pretty short. I just wanted to let everyone know that...

Seth bought my ring today!!

Hehe. I'm so excited! HE'S so excited! He was practically giggling when he told me. Good gracious he makes me happy. 

He was going to take this girl, Katelyn, from work with him. I met her when I was out there visiting him. She was nice enough. Waayy too pretty, though. Now, she's never done anything for me to have anything against her, so I really don't. I just don't like thinking about her being around Seth all the time at work. Like I said... she's too pretty. She reminded me of another ridiculously pretty girl, Brandice. Except Katelyn had dimples. 

Anyways, I never said anything about that to Seth, really. But he knew. So, he took Jefre, his roommate, and Jef's wife with him instead. (I was REALLY happy about that, honestly. Because I knew that if he took Katelyn, the jeweler would assume she was the "lucky lady" and try to put the ring on her. I wasn't exactly cool with that.)

So there's my story for today. 

Oh.. and CURSE High School Musical and Zac Efron.

Curse them all to Hell.

I still love you...

Good crap! I haven't posted in like... two months. I officially suck. But I'm crazy busy, so it's okay. Right? Right.

So, I'm sure everyone that reads this (Beth) knows by now that Seth and I are getting married. (Yay!) We're really excited. Hopefully he and I will have time to set up a "joint blog" and update it regularly once we're married to keep people informed on our super interesting lives. :)

Alright. So, here's things in a nutshell:

The fact that I can't see Seth is driving me absolutely insane. I hate it. It honestly feels all wrong not to be with him. It's really hard on both of us to have to rely on the inconsistencies of text messaging and the few minutes here and there we actually get to talk on the phone. I miss him. A lot.

The wedding plans are moving forward slowly but surely. At first things were CONSTANTLY happening. It was a tad overwhelming. Now it's almost as if nothing is getting done. Honestly, I've gotten to the point where I don't even care about the stupid receptions anymore. As long as he and I are married, who gives a flying crap? Exactly. 

Invitations are in the process of being printed. A lot of people have given me their address, but I'm almost positive that once things are said and done, someone is going to be all pissed at me because I never sent them an invite. Well, tough noogies. If I don't get your address, you don't get my invite. :) Duhhh.

That's pretty much it. School. Three jobs. Wedding. Some Seth. Although he's coming out here for Thanksgiving and I'm BEYOND excited. I don't think I've ever been so excited for a holiday in my life. 

Well, I'm out. I'm wicked tired and I've got to get up early for job number two. (Frickin' paper route.) Kbye.

Je fais de toi mon essentiel...

This week has been the most wonderful week. I could, quite honestly, say that it's been the most wonderful week of my life. And there is still more to come... although, not much. :(

We had our first date Tuesday night. Unfortunately, we only had time to go to a movie, but it was still good to officially say we're "dating." We saw "The Dark Knight." He had already seen it (long story), but he took me to see it anyway because he knew I wanted to. It was one of the LONGEST movies EVER. I wouldn't have let him take me to it if I had known he was going to have to start night shifts a day late. So, we got home about midnight, and he had to get up at 4 AM and work until close to 7:30 PM. Poor guy... he was so tired.

That night he turned to me and asked me if I would be interested in getting a promise ring. Of course, I was thrilled, but I had to ask if he was serious. I didn't know if he was delusional or something from all the fatigue. :P Then, on Wednesday night when he got home from work we went to Wal-Mart and he bought me a GORGEOUS ring. I love it. Unfortunately it's a size too big, and I can't have it sized while I'm out here. Everywhere takes up to two weeks to get it done. So I'll just size it when I get home. I'm just really careful to take it off when I shower or wash my hands so I don't lose it.

Tomorrow after church we're going to Logan because I really wanted to visit Kevin's grave while I was out here. He's been gone for almost two years and I haven't seen it yet. I feel kind of terrible. But Seth said he wanted to take me. He said that if it was important to me, it was important to him and we would go. I'm so grateful. Really.

It's so easy to love him. So natural. It's like breathing, really. To be honest, I think I've fallen in love with loving him. His love is so addictive. I seriously can't get enough. He's my happiness. My world. My love. My life. I can't live without him now that I've known what life can bring WITH him. It would be the worst and stupidest mistake of my life if I ever let him go.

If I can help it, I'll love him forever.

I live for little moments like that...

It's strange to think that if I had stayed with my ex, I'd be married by now. Not because I don't want to get married, because I do. It's strange to me because I let it get that far when it was so completely wrong. Although, in my defense, I didn't know how truly right things could be for me until Seth.

Speaking of Seth, (as if I talk about anything else), I'm in Utah! WITH Seth! YAY!

The flight itself took forEVER. I honestly felt like I could walk faster than that. I felt bad for the poor girl sitting next to me. I was so fidgety. After the first hour or so, she turned to me and said, "Anxious?" I just laughed and told her that I was on my way to see my amazing boyfriend, whom I haven't seen in five years. She seemed to understand my anxiety then.

I arrived yesterday morning in Salt Lake City. It was easily the best day of my life thus far. I remember thinking as I got off the plane, "Yay! Only a few more minutes!" And then thinking that the trek to baggage claim was painstakingly long. I mean, seriously? WHY the heck do I have to go upstairs, downstairs and BACK upstairs? Friggin' airports.

Anywho... I remember going down that last escalator into baggage claim and seeing him. My heart went berserk. I had to remind myself how to breathe. And then, there he was. I truly felt how much he loved me in just that first hug. It was gentle enough not to crush me, but strong enough to let me know that he never wanted to let go.

I'll write more as the week progresses. Just know that I am completely happy, and am only getting happier each second I spend with him. Just know that he is, at the risk of sounding completely corny, my other half. Just know that I love him.



Probably my favorite quote from yesterday:

Seth: "Hey... you wanna know a secret?"
Me: "Yes, please!"
Seth: "I love you."
Me: *laughs* "I thought you were going to tell me a secret."

I somehow find you and I collide...

This distance is driving me absolutely crazy. I'm not really sure why today was so much harder on me, but I missed him SO much more than usual. It's starting to become physically painful. I just have to make it six more days, and then I can rest peacefully in his arms. (Finally.)

There's something in his voice that melts me. I can't even begin to explain it. There's something in the mere THOUGHT of his hands on me that makes me weak in the knees. It's impossible for me to describe how amazingly lucky I am, and how much I don't deserve someone as perfect as him. I've screwed up so much in my life. How did I ever wind up with such a blessing? I've never felt such love in my life. I've never had those feelings returned with such intensity. And he has absolutely zero expectations of me. He only wants to make me happy, which only makes me want to please him more. 

Now, I know I haven't exactly had the best track record with knowing. I mean, I was absolutely certain that I was going to marry Blake, and, well, that was obviously wrong. But this is so different. It's such a slap in the face compared to what I thought I felt with my ex. What I feel for Seth is completely and totally 100% true. There isn't a doubt in my mind that he isn't it. If I could, I'd marry him tomorrow. That's how sure I am. 

He is my world. My love. My forever. My happiness. My biggest turn-on. My best friend. I can't wait to add "My husband" to that list. 

That's all. Sorry for the gushy post. I'm kind of emotional today. I'm not really sure why, but oh well. Hopefully I'll be over it by tomorrow.

Love.

I was born to tell you "I love you." Isn't that a song already? I get a B for originality...

Great goo! I haven't written in here since I had mono! I'm terribly sorry to all of my many adoring fans. *cough*

Alas, the point of this post was not to exhibit my vanity, but to tell a story.


*(Note: This story contains many "aww" situations and/or "chick flick" moments. If any of you are at all squeamish, disregard this post.)


I moved to this town seven years ago. I had just turned twelve and was very unimpressed with my new surroundings. The first two years I remember vaguely - little snippets of my life at that point. One was my very first Sunday in Marshall. It was in between meetings at Church, and I was standing off to the side of a large group of youth. I was still pretty shy at that point, but I didn't mind. I remember a young boy of about seventeen walk up to me and simply say, "You look like an outsider." Not to be mean, but to engage who seemed to be "the loner kid" in conversation. I told him plainly that I was an outsider and assumed that would be the end of our conversation. Technically it was, because he promptly thrust me into the circle of teenagers I had been standing next to and essentially forced me to make friends. I was forever grateful to him.

The next main thing I remember was the same young man telling me about his little brother, who was a few months younger than me. "He really likes you," he said. "Seriously, he talks about you all the time." While that was all well and good, I actually had a crush on him, not his brother. However, over time I grew to like the little brother. The young man appeared to be happy with his triumph of "match maker."

The most prominent memory I have, however, is also the worst. The young man's father had been laid-off and was looking for a job in various places across the country. Being thirteen, I lived in the "now", and didn't think about the long-term effects his decision would bring me. He ended up finding and taking a job in California. I was destroyed. My mom and I helped them pack and clean on their last day in town, and I sat on their doorstep and watched them drive away until there was nothing left. I cried for weeks. Eventually, I tried to forget them and move on with my life. I had forced myself to understand that I would never see or talk to any of them again. I moved on.

It's been five years since then.

A few days before my nineteenth birthday, (which was a little over a month ago), I was playing around on Facebook when a chat window opened on the bottom of my screen. It took me a minute to realize who was talking to me. It was the same young man that accused me of being an outcast so many years before. It was Seth Pearl. I was thrilled! I hadn't heard from him in years, and it was so fun catching up with him. I told him how I had been engaged and how it had all fallen apart over Christmas. He told me that he was supposed to have gotten married a year ago, but that fell through, also. The conversation ended cordially.

But then we talked the next day, too. And the day after. And the day after. He told me about how he had always liked me. From that first moment he talked to me. He said he had a huge crush on me all through his junior and senior years of high school. Then they moved. He told me that it was hard on him - that he had cried because he never thought he would see me again. He explained that even after they had moved and gotten settled, he still couldn't push me completely out of his mind, and that he still had feelings for me five years later. Our relationship blossomed from there.

Now I'm flying out there next month on the 10th. I couldn't be happier. I have never felt for one person what I feel for Seth in my life. He is my world, and I want nothing more out of this life than to marry him. What's amazing about it is that he feels exactly the same way. I am completely head over heels crazy about him.

All I can say is...

Finally.

You can use me, and bring me to my knees...

Up until about a week ago, I was completely mono-free. Up until three days ago, there were movies in the house I hadn't seen. And up until five minutes ago, I had long, pretty fingernails.

I've been quarantined to my bedroom for the past three days. Thank God for my laptop. I would thank God for my cell phone, however, no one has called me since I've been diagnosed. I'm not allowed to touch anything, my family follows me around with antiseptic wipes and lysol, and they don't tell me when they're having dinner. That last one is apparently made up to me by my mom making me gourmet peanut butter and jelly sandwiches after she clears away the steak remnants the family has just eaten. Go ahead and be jealous. I'm popping pills like it's going out of style and I've worn the same thing for two days now. Who wouldn't be jealous? Grief.

At any rate, I'm slowly going insane in here. I'm two shakes away from carving little tally marks into my wall with every day that goes by. So, for real, if anyone honestly reads this, it would be stellar to hear from you.

Whelp... I'm off to sleep my life away.