Slow down you crazy child, you're so ambitious for a juvenile. But then if you're so smart tell me why are you still so afraid...?

I've never felt so alone in my life. I've never wanted my mom more than I do right now. I've never hurt more than I do right now. I've never cried so many tears.

I've never been let down so hard.


Blake and I are no longer engaged. He broke it off tonight when he felt that we should "mature a bit more" and "wait until later" to get married. I don't think he understands that I can't. It was hard enough waiting until July, and now he wants to wait until at least December. So, we broke off the engagement, because we're not really sure when we're actually going to get married. 

I guess he's felt this way for a long time. Pretty much since we decided on July. It hurt that he didn't tell me. I feel so stupid. I've already told my family because I was so excited. I even made an announcement. I guess what really hurts the most is that I was up so high, and now there's nothing. Even though we're still together, it feels as if we've broken up completely, or we're "just taking break."

I feel like he's slowly pulling himself away from me. First, he wouldn't tell his parents. Then, he wanted to wait to get married. Now, the engagement is off altogether. I guess in the back of my mind I'm just waiting for him to tell me that he's decided not to get married at all. That would kill me. Everything leading up to this tonight has pretty much destroyed me as it is. I really don't think I could handle anything else.

I just pray that he continues to love me as long as he feels it necessary for us to wait. I told him I would wait for him, and I will. I just can't understand how I can be so ready to actually get married, when he's so afraid. He told me a long time ago that he wasn't scared anymore. I guess something changed.

Either way, this blog is a little pointless now. I guess I'll continue to write in it, but there won't be documented progress as far as any wedding is concerned.