Stand on the edge with me. Hold back your fear and see. Nothing is real 'till it's gone...

It's been a while. I apologize. I haven't had much time or stamina to write much lately. But I'm slowly getting better. Slowly but surely I'm getting back on my own feet and learning to be independent once again.

Be that as it may, I still miss him tremendously. There are days when I simply cannot stand the pain any longer, and want nothing more than to fly out there to be by his side and beg him to take me back. I have yet to do that. Nor will I ever do that. It is merely an irrational thought that has been born in my mind throughout the series of unfortunate events that have taken place over this Christmas break. I will do nothing. I miss him, oh yes. I love him even more than I miss him. But this is no longer my fight. I have surrendered myself and my fate to the Lord. I can only pray that he will do the same.

I'm no longer in Rexburg. I've come home to work during the winter semester to save up more money to attend school at BYU-I. Seeing as I've burned my bridges with my first semester, it'll be an uphill battle to be able to remain within the school's admittance. I need to do some serious thinking. Do I go back to BYU-I at all? I had been accepted at Utah State last year. Maybe I should re-apply, pretend this past semester never happened, and start over. I love it in Rexburg, though. The people I have met and the things I've learned are irreplaceable. But is it possible?

My life lately has been a series of questions. The most important being "why?". Why has this happened to me? Why do I love so much? Why didn't I try harder? Why am I so stubborn? Why is life so hard?

Overall, I guess I've had a decent break. I've been sick for a lot of it, and am currently still in the middle of the worst cold I've ever had. But I've gotten to see my family and old friends from high school. It's been nice to come home. Unfortunately, no matter where I go, I can't outrun my thoughts. I still smile at the memories we've made, but they are bittersweet.

But this is a new year. It's time for me to change. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of getting my heart broken again and again. It's my time. No holding back. No regrets. No fate.

Anyway, I'm tired. I took some sleeping pills a little while ago. The Sandman is waiting for me. Goodnight.