Am I a rock, or a rose, or a fist? Or the breath at the end of a kiss...?

I will occasionally find myself waking up from a dream and praying to God that it was real. Lately that's how I've hoped my life has been - nothing but a dream. I've gotten bruises from all the pinching. This hell must be real. It's all too real.

There are these rare spurts of creativity I go through where everything that I encounter somehow turns into music. It's incredible. The lyrics and melody just come so easily and so clear, it's as if I had just listened to the song on my iPod. I love the feeling that comes after writing down the last word of a song - after playing the last note, and finalizing everything. Once it's finished, it's like you have part of your heart out there on paper. Something tangible that everyone can feel. Getting someone to feel what you felt when that song was written is the greatest gift anyone can give to a songwriter.

I only think about him late at night anymore. I honestly don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I miss him. Oh, yes. Intensely. But I can't keep doing this to myself. The more I think of him, the more I hurt myself. It's almost as if I had reverted back to my cutting days, except these are just thoughts. Just like back then, I have to wean myself off of him. I have to gradually remove myself from this pain, until I no longer want to experience it anymore. I'll get there someday. I'm not a masochist by any means. I just wish I understood what's happening in his head. I wish I knew how he could do this to me when he still loves me. I know he does. If I could talk to him face-to-face, it would be engraved in his eyes. No matter how he tried to hide it. Either way, it's over now. And sooner or later I'm going to have to say goodbye. I've told him that I need time to let him go romantically. But I still need to say goodbye to the piece of him that he's left with me. The part that will always remain in my heart as my first love.

It's difficult to imagine my life from now on. I had such a clear picture before. It all involved Blake, and I was happy. Now that he's been torn from my life, everything seems so uncertain. I've always liked an adventure, but I've never been too fond of surprises.