Firstly, I must vent.
I'm well on my way to becoming a full-blown insomniac. It's rare that I ever get to sleep before four anymore. I'm exhausted all the time, but I refuse to take naps anymore (except on Sundays), and I still have the attitude, "I'll sleep when I'm dead."
Now, it'd be one thing if I were out doing something during all that time when I'm awake. ANYthing. Unfortunately, it seems that lately my parents have decided to be overly-generous and allot me one "fun night" a week. (Insert the death of my social life here.) God, I wish I lived somewhere else. Honestly, I don't really care that I live in Marshall. Whatever. I mean, yeah, there's only SO MUCH to do here, but there's still stuff to do. But living with my parents really puts a damper on things. It doesn't help that I don't have my own car and have to literally beg to go anywhere in theirs. While I do appreciate their generosity at letting me live here rent-free, enough is enough. For God's sake, I'm almost 19! There are high schoolers with better curfews than mine. Urgh. Okay, I'm done.
I've been thinking again, but this time I think I've actually done more good than harm. (Wahoo.) I've discovered the kind of person I am. More specifically, I've discovered the kind of girl I am.
I've been told over and over again by various people that they have never met somebody with my intensity, and that they can settle with only one person like that in their lives. I was never quite sure how to take that, honestly. But I think I may have figured it out this time. I'm the kind of girl people have to take in doses. After a while, I either get annoying or I'm too much for someone to handle. In a sense, I guess I'm like a drug. Now that I think about it, someone's actually told me that before - I'm like a drug and if someone has too much of me, they'll go insane. (Gee, thanks.) But there's a truth to that, I guess. As crappy as it is to admit something like that, I know it's true. People can only take so much of me before they need a break. The man I marry better be either equally trying on people or have a love for challenges.
As far as life in general, I can safely say that I've finally reached a point of indifference. I have so many decisions to make and so many situations weighing on my mind that I've finally just stopped caring for a while. It's nice, really. There are things that I really want. No... there's a person that I really want, but I feel the need to back off for a while. I get the feeling that I'm starting to wear on him in the fashion stated in the previous paragraph. Maybe it's nothing, but I'd rather not be "that girl" that's everywhere. Even if only by coincidence. I mean, yeah, I would love nothing more than for him to ask me to be his girlfriend, but I honestly don't know if that's ever going to happen. I'm tempted to ask him if he and I are, quite frankly, a possibility. Ever. But I won't. I'm not that girl anymore. After hurricane Blake tore my world apart, I've become overly-cautious when it comes to my feelings and/or relationships. (Or lack thereof.)
At any rate, I'll continue to be friendly and things will appear normal. I just won't flirt with him anymore.
For a while, at least.
P.S. I took a random, stupid quiz tonight. Here's the result.
Your Personality Is Like Alcohol |
 You're the life of the party, a total flirt, and probably a pretty big jokester. Sometimes your behavior gets you in trouble, but you still remain socially acceptable. You're a pretty bad driver, and you're dancing could also use a little work! At your best: You are uninhibited, funny, and relaxed. What people like about being around you: You're friendly, welcoming, and easy to talk to. What people dislike about being around you: You're a little sloppy and careless. How addicted people get to you: A fair amount, though they tend to deny it. |
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